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Do not depend on the hope of results.
When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic
work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless
and achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you
expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to
concentrate not on the results but on the value, the truth of the work
itself. And there, too, a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually
as you struggle less and less for an idea, and more and more for specific
people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real.
In the end, it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.
You are fed up with words, and I don’t
blame you. I am nauseated by them sometimes. I am also, to
tell you the truth, nauseated by ideals and with causes. This sounds
like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean. It is so
easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans and myths that in the end
one is left holding the bag, empty, with no trace of meaning left in it.
And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the
meaning be there again by magic. Going through this kind of reaction
helps you to guard against this. Your system is complaining of too
much verbalizing, and it is right.
…The big results are not in your hands
or mine, but they suddenly happen, and we can share in them, but there
is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction, which
may be denied us and which after all is not that important.
The next step in the process is for you
to see that your even thinking about what you are doing is crucially important.
You are probably striving to build yourself an identity in your work, out
of your work and witness. You are using it, so to speak, to protect
yourself against nothingness, annihilation. That is not the right
use of your work. All the good that you will do will come, not from
you but from the fact that you have allowed yourself, in the obedience
of faith, to be used by God’s love. Think of this more and gradually
you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open
to the power that will work through you without your knowing it.
The great thing after all is to live, not
to pour out your life in the service of a myth; and we turn the best things
into myths. If you can get free from the domination of causes and
just serve Christ’s truth, you will be able to do more and will be less
crushed by the inevitable disappointments. Because I see nothing
whatever in sight but much disappointment, frustration, and confusion.
The real hope, then, is not in something
we think we can do, but in God who is making something good out of it in
some way we cannot see. If we can do His will, we will be helping
in this process. But we will not necessarily know all about it beforehand
. . .
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